Beckteria

Waiting for Godot, per usual

I hate waiting, but that is the way life works. Hurry up and wait. I’ve spent most of my life waiting it seems. I fly in exactly one month to Tokyo from Chicago. I feel like I’m in suspended animation until my “new” life begins. I waited my entire life to go to France and finally went about a month ago…in Paris I had to wait for everything too. And in the end, I was waiting to go home and then waiting to leave for Japan.

At work, I wait until it seems like I can go home. Today, I stayed longer than what was necessary because it’s so fucking hot that I was enjoying the wonderful free ac at work. It’s about 95 degrees Fahrenheit with a lot of humidity. I tell myself that it’s only going to be worse in Osaka and that I need to stop being such a whiney little bitch. As it turns out, it’s not so hot at my house right now.

I drank probably too much caffeine at work today, but I really feel the need to drink more for some reason. I was overly obnoxious, but it was too much fun. Now, I feel like I need a nap. I hate that. Maybe it’s because my tv’s broken and I don’t know who I feel like hanging out with or calling. I need to call what seems to be a daunting number of people that I know before I move. Yet, all I really want to do is melt away into the couch.

…death…

My parents’ neighbor just died a few days ago, a co-worker’s son just died, and another co-worker’s dad just died. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s obviously not good. The weirdest time that death really crept into my life is when I was 17 in Missoula (of course!). It was winter and I was driving my friend home. She lived off of this really nasty mountain road, it was icy and scary. I told her that I knew that “somebody had to die. The balance isn’t right, death is the only way to make it even.” Of course, this scared the crap out of her. She thought that I should be really careful driving home. I told her the criteria of who was going to die—it wouldn’t be me. The criteria was: 1. she didn’t know this person 2. I’m not really close to this person 3. it would happen within the next month. As it turned out, all of this was true. A boy from my graduating class died in a car wreck during x-mas vacation within two weeks of me saying this, and she didn’t know him. CREEPY.

Fuck.

The odd thing about my life is that it’s actually really good. I live comfortably, I eat relatively well, I have cool toys, I have a great family, I just went to Paris, I moving to Japan…. BUT, I still maintain that life sucks. Life isn’t so bad, but it still is difficult to grapple all of what happens. Why is that? Why does it seem to be so negative? I try to self medicate to not be so pessimistic, but when it seems like there is so much death and ridiculous shit, I wonder.

posted by Bex @ 8:06 AM