Beckteria

Hitting Home

I think that it’s finally starting to hit home—I’m fucking leaving! I can’t help but think of when I was 18 and left Montana to go to Arizona State. My dad says that it was the best and worst 10k he ever spent on ONE semester. I couldn’t hack it. But I did learn a lot about life and myself in those six months. I think that this could be the same type of deal.

What’s my deal? I see a continuing pattern in my life that I don’t want to repeat. I know that it seems like I’m running away from my problems, but I feel like I’m running toward my problems—head first. I’m already learning more about myself that I never fully understood before. It’s actually rather scary that people that haven’t known me for long can see right through my bullshit. (And I thought I put on a good act.)

Yeah, so now I’m feeling even more depressed and therefore less motivated to pack. I drive to Chicago on Thursday and fly out from Chicago on Saturday. WOW! Time flies even when you are waiting for Godot after all. I guess I’m hoping that my friends call to get me out of this last week slump.

I’m sad about leaving everyone behind. All of my support group. I’m going into an endeavor without my crash helmet. And I definitely need one right about now because I already feel all too brain damaged. My shoulders are knots from all of the stress.

Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that this is only part of the process. My tidal wave of extreme emotions will stop, at least momentarily.

posted by Bex @ 11:43 AM