Beckteria

Shout Out!

Hurray! I’m not emotionally dead afterall. I thought that my conscious had slipped away into the underworld after living in MN for eight fucking years. Not now! I’m stressed out. I’ve cried so much that my ducts are dry. I’m doing it, I’m actually going to leave.

I really want to say “thanks” to all my friends that have supported me going to Japan. My friends have been there through thick and thin, and helped drag me into a better state of mind. Thanks for talking to me and/or going out drinking with me. I couldn’t have gotten through this on my own.

It’s been so stressful. I know that in some ways, I’m a sick, sick bastard that thrives on stress and deadlines. I like to make my own life difficult—I could stay here and go about my ways in my own private Minnesota bubble. The type of bubble that sees hardly any true financial difficulties, the kind that is hard to penetrate with real political and social issues. A bubble so dense that no real emotion can be seen inside or out. Again, I wouldn’t be leaving if I didn’t think that I wouldn’t gain something. Life in MN is so easy, too easy in fact, to really want to accomplish too much. That might be an inconvenience, or accomplishment might be outside the comfort zone.

Things I feel I might miss about MN:
1. My friends and family (sister and a couple of in-laws)
2. Ethnic food—Mexican, Greek, I’m not sure what isn’t abundant in Japan & I love variety
3. Space—I’m moving from a three bedroom house to a one bedroom apartment
4. Cheese—is there cheese in Japan? If there is, I hope it’s stinky and blue.
5. Understanding what is happening on tv—but wait, my tv is still more or less broken anyway

Things I WON’T miss:
1. My job (I like the people, just not the actual work part, although it is really easy)
2. Stupid Minnesotans (not everyone is stupid, just the vast majority)
3. Fat Minnesotans (again, not everyone, just the vast majority of the population)
4. People who speak English natively, but know nothing about English (it’s really pathetic)

Yeah, I’m sure that the list is longer, but I don’t want to bore you with too much detail.

As my coworker says “Whoop-die do! I’m going to Disneyland!”

posted by Bex @ 9:36 AM 0 comments

Advice from a Friend

I had a nice long chat with a friend last night who has lived abroad before. We discussed what’s in store for me—being lonelier than I ever have been before in my life and in a way that I will have never experienced before. I know that I’m in for that. I get crazy lonely in the states. That’s why I try to maintain a lot of friends…. Depression isn’t something new to me, it’s just something that seems to come naturally with life for me.

I’m only somewhat worried. I’m in the excited and scared phase right now. Even the JET program’s literature mentions the various stages of culture shock and that often times reverse culture shock is more severe. I can actually see the reverse being more difficult, I already don’t relate to a lot of people. It’s not to say that I’m not empathic, but many people are rather obtuse. And as I learned today, I’m not as good at psychoanalyzing people as I thought. And thus the drama unfolds.

I’m glad that I won’t be unplugged from the rest of my world. Being in Paris for two weeks without much e-mail or phone calls made me go a bit crazy. Of course, I was on vacation and didn’t have any real personal space either. So, it is different to start a new life somewhere. Historically, communication is how I’ve kept my sanity.

My advice to myself is to make more friends in Japan, find more hobbies, learn more Japanese, and roll with the punches. I’ve recently been told that I’m scared of change—this isn’t logical to me. I’m crazy enough to move from Montana to Minnesota to Osaka, Japan. I emphasize crazy. I have all of these people telling me that they would never take that kind of risk. I say “fuck it.” Do what ya want…what good is life if you’re not having fun?

All I can hope is that this goes well, if not it’s like my last relationship—no regrets, just won’t do that shit again. It made me who I am today.

posted by Bex @ 8:38 AM 1 comments

Rabbit Hole

I continue to plunge deeper into the rabbit hole. I am trying to see most of my friends in a small group situation before I leave. Or I’m calling those who don’t live near me. I am spending countless hours communicating. It’s nice to say goodbye and it’s a welcome distraction from the other chaos in my life…. Then again, I’m really the one creating discord so I only have myself to blame.

Getting crunk? I’m trying to veer away from that path, but it certainly happens more than I like to admit. Unfortunately, being from Montana, socializing equates to drinking. I like to drink, but it’s not good to do it all the time. It hurts you physically, mentally, and the ol’ pocketbook suffers as well.

I’m trying to think of other ways to entertain myself, but it’s something that I am undeniably awful at doing. I’m the youngest of five siblings, so I always had someone around to amuse me (or fight with). My tv’s screen is on the fritz, so this makes it even more difficult to entertain myself. I was raised watching cable tv, even during dinner. It seemed more important than hearing about everybody’s good damn day when you really don’t care as a kid.

I should be studying my kanji right now, a refresher. That requires discipline. Hey, I’m an American, that’s just not the way it usually works around here. Also, my language skills are sorely lacking. It seems like without the tv that I have a lot of free time. Maybe too much.

posted by Bex @ 8:45 AM 0 comments

Waiting for Godot, per usual

I hate waiting, but that is the way life works. Hurry up and wait. I’ve spent most of my life waiting it seems. I fly in exactly one month to Tokyo from Chicago. I feel like I’m in suspended animation until my “new” life begins. I waited my entire life to go to France and finally went about a month ago…in Paris I had to wait for everything too. And in the end, I was waiting to go home and then waiting to leave for Japan.

At work, I wait until it seems like I can go home. Today, I stayed longer than what was necessary because it’s so fucking hot that I was enjoying the wonderful free ac at work. It’s about 95 degrees Fahrenheit with a lot of humidity. I tell myself that it’s only going to be worse in Osaka and that I need to stop being such a whiney little bitch. As it turns out, it’s not so hot at my house right now.

I drank probably too much caffeine at work today, but I really feel the need to drink more for some reason. I was overly obnoxious, but it was too much fun. Now, I feel like I need a nap. I hate that. Maybe it’s because my tv’s broken and I don’t know who I feel like hanging out with or calling. I need to call what seems to be a daunting number of people that I know before I move. Yet, all I really want to do is melt away into the couch.

…death…

My parents’ neighbor just died a few days ago, a co-worker’s son just died, and another co-worker’s dad just died. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s obviously not good. The weirdest time that death really crept into my life is when I was 17 in Missoula (of course!). It was winter and I was driving my friend home. She lived off of this really nasty mountain road, it was icy and scary. I told her that I knew that “somebody had to die. The balance isn’t right, death is the only way to make it even.” Of course, this scared the crap out of her. She thought that I should be really careful driving home. I told her the criteria of who was going to die—it wouldn’t be me. The criteria was: 1. she didn’t know this person 2. I’m not really close to this person 3. it would happen within the next month. As it turned out, all of this was true. A boy from my graduating class died in a car wreck during x-mas vacation within two weeks of me saying this, and she didn’t know him. CREEPY.

Fuck.

The odd thing about my life is that it’s actually really good. I live comfortably, I eat relatively well, I have cool toys, I have a great family, I just went to Paris, I moving to Japan…. BUT, I still maintain that life sucks. Life isn’t so bad, but it still is difficult to grapple all of what happens. Why is that? Why does it seem to be so negative? I try to self medicate to not be so pessimistic, but when it seems like there is so much death and ridiculous shit, I wonder.

posted by Bex @ 8:06 AM 0 comments

Summer Solstice

It hardly seems like the longest day of the year. Growing up in western Montana, it would stay light out until 10 and 11 was about when the sun finally cascaded behind the mountains for the night.

I’m glad that it hasn’t gotten too hot and too sticky, yet. I know that it’ll be much worse in Osaka, but what can I do? At least I have ac in my apartment. It’s used differently over there though. In the U.S., we keep it running day and night regardless if we are home or not. In Japan, they conserve energy. So, if you’re not at home, the ac is off.

In fact, I need to buy more handkerchiefs for my journey. They are mostly used to wipe the sweat off of your forehead. In some cases, in a public restroom, there aren’t any paper towels or hand drier, so you need a hanky. One of my favorite things about learning Japanese culture in class was the topic of “furoshiki.” A furoshiki is essentially a square scarf that can be used to bundle things together such as a stack of books. Apparently, furoshiki are preferred over bags because when not in use they are easily tucked away. I always imagine them being used like in those old Bugs Bunny cartoons from WWII—a “hobo” using one to keep his/her precious belongings dangling from the end of stick over his/her shoulder.

My incumbent has told me that I should bring all cotton or linen clothes due to the extreme heat and humidity. When I was in Osaka in September, it was like the height of summer in Minnesota. Tokyo was a nice change; it was much breezier than Osaka at that point in time.

I worry more about the humidity of the summer than the cold winters. I still need to do more research, but it does get to freezing temperatures in the winter. It doesn’t seem too bad to me, I’m used to the cold. On the other hand, the heating systems are different in Japan. I’ll wait and see how that works out.

Now to enjoy this nice cup of tea…

posted by Bex @ 9:01 AM 0 comments

Endless Amounts of Paperwork

I have to say that it feels like an endless amount of paperwork to go to Japan. Really, the worst of it has been over for months, but I went to fax something to Japan today from Kinko’s and it didn’t work. This pissed me off. There’s also that whole visa deal. Thank gawd that the placement agency did most of that.

As it stands now anyways, I push paper all day, or at least electronic paper. Teaching English will be quite different. Ironically, this job is a lot like management—in other words, babysitting.

I am really happy that I located my Japanese friends in Osaka. I visited them for my first trip to Japan almost 3 years ago. My friend Momo is from Osaka and she knows where a lot of excellent shopping and cuisine exists. She also gave me an abbreviated tour of three temples in Kyoto. Her husband is from Nagasaki where I spent an amazing few days. (I love that Nagasaki has “China Town,” it just seems weird.)

It’s such a relief to have a few people that I already know living there. Admittedly, I am not sure how far apart we’ll be from one another, but the trains are really easy to use and very convenient.

I’m also negotiating with my incumbent about what possessions I will be purchasing from her. She’s been there for three years and apparently bought all of her furniture new. So, I’m glad to know that of these possessions I will certainly buy her bed. Maybe this sounds strange, but I’m glad not to have a futon. In case you didn’t know, in Japan, a futon is really just a mattress (what we would consider a futon mattress) rolled out on the floor. It is necessary to roll it up everyday, otherwise the tatami mats (straw mats that are more or less permanently attached to the ground) will get moldy or rot. Also, because people sweat, you have to air out the futon. What a pain in the ass.

Ugg. Now, to get back to that paperwork I mentioned….

posted by Bex @ 11:40 AM 0 comments

On the train to Reims, France